--- title: How do I confront my older cousin who caused me harm years ago? She's never taken responsibility for what happened, and I can see the lasting impact it's had on me. We both live in the same city now. How should I approach contacting her about this? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single "right"... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # How do I confront my older cousin who caused me harm years ago? She's never taken responsibility for what happened, and I can see the lasting impact it's had on me. We both live in the same city now. How should I approach contacting her about this? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Sharing your story with others](/en/learn?tags=sharing-your-story-with-others) Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single "right" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else. Before reaching out, it can be helpful to clarify your own goals and expectations. Are you hoping for an acknowledgment of what happened, an apology, changed behavior, or simply the opportunity to speak your truth? Understanding what you're seeking can help you prepare mentally and emotionally, while also recognizing that you cannot control how the other person responds. Many survivors find it painful when confrontations don't lead to the accountability they hoped for, so preparing for various outcomes can be protective. Consider your support system as you navigate this decision. Having trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide emotional support before, during, and after any contact can be invaluable. Some survivors find it helpful to write out what they want to say beforehand, practice with a support person, or even send a letter instead of having a face-to-face conversation. Others prefer phone calls or meeting in neutral, public spaces if they choose direct contact. It's important to trust your instincts about safety. If you have any concerns about how this person might react, consider involving a trusted third party or choosing a method of communication that feels safest for you. You also have the right to change your mind at any point - you can start a conversation and end it if it becomes harmful, or decide not to reach out at all. Remember that confrontation isn't the only path to healing. Many survivors find peace through therapy, writing, creative expression, or connecting with other survivors, regardless of whether they ever speak to the person who harmed them. Your healing belongs to you, and it doesn't depend on another person's response or acknowledgment. Whatever you decide, you deserve support, compassion, and respect for the courage it takes to even consider addressing past harm. Thanks for reaching out to us. 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Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready